An ongoing collection of things comedians and emcees say that aren’t really necessary. I’ve said and heard all of these too many times and can’t help but wonder what the audience is thinking. Let’s reconsider this stuff and make the stage a better place.

Keep it going for your host.
You’re the fifth comedian to open with that line. We’ve been “keeping it going” for the host for an hour. Now we hate the host…and you.

How are you guys doing tonight?
We’re doing fine. Always. We’re not jurors at a murder trial or attending a funeral. We’re at a comedy show and we’d be doing a lot better if we were laughing.

Give it up for yourselves for coming out tonight.
Really? We’re clapping for ourselves because we left the house and walked into this room? Aren’t we special. At this point we can only assume there will be participation trophies at the end of the show.

A little about myself.
Thanks for clarifying. When you opened by talking about your job, your dating life, and your experience at the airport, we thought you were talking about Bette Midler.

How many people (are from here? are married? are single? love dogs? love cats?)
Damn, you ask a lot of questions. Is there a reason behind it? Is it an integral part of the setup? Will it get awkward if we refuse to answer? If we say ‘no,’ do you move on to the next joke? If we say ‘yes,’ will you use that information to add more impact to the joke? Are you asking our permission to talk about the subject? Is it annoying to ask too many questions?

Here’s a new joke.
Wow, you’re a comedian who wrote a new joke. How exciting. Thanks for doing the bare minimum requirement of your job. We don’t care if the joke was written in 1998 or during your introduction, we just want to laugh.

Let me check my notes.
We paid $15 admission and you’re checking notes? Do you mind if I answer my voicemails during your closer?

I’m getting the light.
We’re not comedy lingo savvy. What exactly is “the light?” Is it at the end of a tunnel? If so, go toward it and we’ll see you on the other side. If not, keep it out of your act. That’s why the host went through the trouble of discreetly shining it from the back of the room. It’s your little secret…shhhhh.

Well, that’s my time.
Again, we don’t know the inner workings of a comedy show and didn’t realize you had limited time on stage, nor do we care…We’re just here to laugh.

Are you ready for your next comedian/headliner?
Yes. The answer is always yes. If we say no is he/she not going to come out? That would be weird, but maybe we’ll give it a shot and see what happens.

Keep it going for…
We clapped for him/her right after we learned he/she got the light and was out of time. We thought we gave the comedian an appropriate response for his/her set, now we need to clap again? Are we playing Simon Says? If so, you didn’t say Simon Says. If not, can we just move along?